I started out for the hospital around 4:00 this morning because I wanted to have loads of time with KJ. Feedings and snuggles were on the agenda.
I got so mad this morning because I sat in traffic for close to an hour. Silly me. Trivial.
Right now I'm waiting in the parent lounge, having been kicked out of the baby's room while they do all sorts of tests.
Yesterday, we were going home in a week.
This morning, the discharge nurse came and talked to me about going home plans. I was JUST jokingly whining about how I don't have anything ready for him.
An hour later. Crash. Boom. Bang.
I've said before that there are so many things that can go wrong with a micro-preemie and that they can change on you at the drop of a hat.
Well, today, I have first hand evidence.
In the last hour my little man has had his heart rate stop to almost nil 3x, blood work, blood cultures, 2 sets of x-rays, and IV started and now they are getting permission to do a spinal tap. They put him back in his giraffe bed, stripped him back to his diaper (no more cute preemie clothes!) and won't let me in the room.
I learned a long time ago that most doctors don't talk TO you, they talk around you. You can listen in to what they are saying but they don't really include you. I told the doctor on rounds this morning that the baby's legs were really stiff and he acted uncomfortable. She totally blew me off. Now they are talking an intestinal infection. Maybe she should listen to me. What do I know, I'm just the foster mom. Why don't you people rub THAT in a little more.
I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm devastated, I'm weepy, I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed and I can't breathe. I am, however, still hopeful. Just a set back, right?
6 comments:
Right here with you, sweetie.
Loving you all from miles away and lifting up your arms as I join you in prayer.
I am so sorry you are going through this! As a mother of a premie who was in the hospital for four months, I totally understand how you are feeling! I have spent way to much time in these hospitals! Having a child with medical issues. Make them listen to you,just because you are a foster mom to him makes you no less of a mother and you are the one spending time with him and know him the best, Make them listen even if that means yelling to get their attention do it! I am praying for him and your whole family I know how stressful this on all of you! If you need anything please let me know!
Sending extra prayers for you and your little guy today.
I wish doctors listened more to caregivers. Who best knows a change from "normal" than a loving parent or foster parent? My heart is with you. Hang in there.
I've been praying for you throughout the day. Some people have a heart so big they can almost swallow the whole world! God's blessings.
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