Used to's

I have a lot of time to sit and think these days. The NICU is very quiet (except for the ridiculous beeping and terrifying alarms but...whatever...) and you can only surf the net or read text books for so long. Plus there is that long drive to and fro.

So. I think.

Yesterday I started thinking about all the things I used to do or used to want or used to have.

(and no, this is NOT a pity party, just a simple compare and contrast)

I used to worry all the time about what other people thought of me and my decisions but I'm learning to let those comments roll. Both the good ones AND the bad ones.

I used to want 2 kids, live in the suburbs and teach music in an affluent high school school, you can see how well that one worked out. :)

I used to be a premed student and, quite frankly, I'm pretty disappointed in myself for not being able to realize this dream.

I used to direct a summer music camp but, as of yesterday, I'm no longer "responsible" for it and it makes me sad. (Totally my choice just....)

I used to think a 15 passenger van was dorky and I still do.

I used to be organized and on top of things. Now I'm the Mom who is signing the Monday memo in the car on the way to school.

I used to read for fun, now I read to my kids for fun, if I'm lucky, or from my psychology book if I'm not.

I used to be super involved in church....but my family has taken priority. (As it SHOULD but...still, I miss singing.)

I used to spend time with friends, now those moments are fleeting and precious.

All those "used to's" have been replaced with some pretty awesome "get to's".

I GET to be a Mom to some pretty awesome kids.

I GET to actually understand the docs when they talk to me at the hospital, thanks to the last two years of studying.

I GET to watch 6 kickin' soccer games each week and have movie nights with the fam every Friday.

I GET to stay home with my babies (they are ALL my babies, even the 12 year old) this summer and all next year. Not every Mama has that privilege. (Thanks, husband!)

I GET to grow and be stretched and love and serve and strive and learn more each and every day.

I guess I need to focus more on those, eh?