A New Month

About one hundred people have said they're not sure where January went. I'm going to make that 101 people. This past month just FLEW by.

One of us had major surgery at the beginning of last month. She had to take a 6 week sabbatical from housework. She shouldn't complain, really, but when you DON'T clean up after a family of 9 for 4 weeks (she still has 2 weeks to go of her restrictions), well, things don't look all that grand.

Don't get me wrong, the necessities are getting done thanks to the BEST husband in the world. It's just not the same. And the "she" is slowly going insane.

I'm not used to be useless. Does that make sense at all? I am a completely independent, very stubborn girl. I rely on my own gut instincts more often than not and I'm usually spot on. Does that sound arrogant? Absolutely. I'm not afraid, however, to admit when I'm wrong. I'm learning, slowly, to ask for help.

Over the last 24 months, we've had some major life changes:
I went back to school full time.

The boys started at public school.

We added two more children to our family.

Grandpa went to live in an assisted living home.

We met our newest addition.

Our newest addition joined our family.

I stopped going to school and became a real live full time SAHM.

Changes.

I haven't handled all those changes with the grace that I should.

I desperately miss school. I miss the intellectual stimulation. I miss feeling like I had a purpose...a goal.

Oh but I love these small ones and I can't imagine leaving them with anyone else.

Yesterday, the last day of the month, was an ugly day for me.

I didn't sleep much the night before. I stayed up late talking with a dear friend and then was allotted extra snuggle time with the microchip throughout the night.

I was exhausted and pretty much just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I had a short fuse. I was crabby. I was ugly.

By the end of the day, I had gated the twins in their room, crying, and put an exhausted, overtired 1 year old in his bed, crying. The older boys were all vying for my attention, needing help with homework, snacks, etc.

I blew up at dinner and put myself in time out.

About twenty minutes into my sitting in the rocking chair staring at the wall (I wasn't kidding about the time out), I called my 6 year old (the one I blew up at) into my room and he climbed up into my lap and we rocked.

We talked about how when he was little he hated to sleep unless I was rocking him and holding him in my arms. He was so small and precious. Now he barely fit into my lap.

I told him how much I love him and his sweet face and his beautiful freckles.

He told me I could rock him every night.

Somehow Little E started talking about his oldest brother. He said, "you know, sometimes he can be really ugly on the outside and I don't like that...but I know on the inside he is really nice and I like that."

Wow.

I am so thankful that I serve a God who knows how ugly I am on the outside but chooses to look deep into my heart, to my inside. A heart that is HIS and wants to serve him.

A new month. A chance to start fresh. To embrace the changes and get rid of the ugly.

And show a beautiful heart instead.